argh

so wtf like. i'm just so miserable atm.

fuck

i am so fucking fat right now.
i eat fucking cake and shit and i then wonder why i am tubby. i'm 5'2.5 and 105 lbs. I was 102. It was fucking better then. How the fucking fuck did I gain 3 lbs?
I'm going to go eat some more nutella.
healthy eating to the extreme starting tomorrow.

just got to accept it.
i
am
not
beautiful.
never will be. sure, i'm okay looking. just not heart stopping/gut wrenching/breath taking beautiful. which obviously, i'd like to be.
my twin is, imogen. my dad often comments on it, and I am left to awkwardly agree in the background. he doesn't mean it. can't help what he sees.
thing is, she seems to be adamant that she is ugly. and she's obviously not.

well, i suppose one thing I can be is slimmer. I may never be prettier, more beautiful, but i can be slimmer. I always have been so it's something I'm good at. I'm going to be fucking skinny.

I guess I accepted it a while ago, then forgot about it really....

Until yesterday.

All the photos of her were stunning.
My
photos
weren't.

ode to rachael.

rachael.
you
are
boring.
i don't want to talk to you okay? you're a perv. and pretty damn weird.
so stop twisting my sister around to what you think.
so you've been bitching about me, making fun of me because i was off sick with a bad stomach. so now you don't not like me, you're just 'not fond of me'. oh no, apparently, to change your story again, you just don't like it when i leave you out.
i wouldn't leave you out if you weren't so boring. or if i was your actual friend.
so
shut
the
fuck
up.

back from the dead.

so, i've recovered from stomach cramps. after a week, lots of laxatives, painkillers and hot water bottles, two trips to the GP and a couple of hours on the toilet. (probably about four collectively).
i'm back.
still don't know what the hell is going on with my stomach (apart from being podgy. obvs.) but fingers crossed this is the last 'incident' for a while. ever. whatever.

so i've been home from school for a week. it's really boring. i've also eaten one of those 400g nutella pots. by myself. over three days. i'm a fatarse :( i also can't stop eating shit. which is awkward.

but yeah, i'm still farting and burping nicely.

ciao.

so.

still got fucking stomach cramps. but whatever.
I wish:
1) I was less fat
2) I was prettier
3) More people liked me
4) I had a talent
5) I could write better
6) I didn't have to go to school and could laze at home all day doing whatever the hell I wanted.

gluten

so. all day yesterday, I have super bad stomach cramps. greeeaaat. just greaat. first day back, as if I don't have enough to deal with on a Monday. (Wasn't as bad as I thought, to be fair.)

As I'm lying on the sofa, with a hot water bottle clutched to my stomach, I wonder if this me, for the rest of my life. Not able to have fun when I'm older, due to stomach pain.

I then wonder if I have a food intolerance. It's something me and my mum have wondered for a while but never got checked out. So, Mum is going to get me an appointment with the GP and we'll see, and today I'm cutting gluten out of my diet.

So we'll see I guess. It makes sense, because I always get a bad stomach at my dad's house, which is where we devour a full baguette between us everyday.

Craving it now:

i fucking hate mondays

Monday. I understand how Garfield feels, but he doesn't have to go to school does he?

So.
1. I didn't get to sleep until at least midnight, waking up at 6.30 am.
2. Half of my bloody toenail has come off and it's really painful and I've got PE today.
3. I am fat this morning because of all the shite I ate at the weekend.
4. I really don't want to go to school.

I.
Am.
Fucking.
Pissed.
Off.
Pretty sure that I've got a slight depression here, considering it's hereditary...

church lights.

walking back at night by my local church. christmas lights, blurred.

"Tired of hanging around" by Cat W on LOOKBOOK.nu

Glasgow.

An afternoon in Glasgow with my Dad and Sister. We went to the Kelvingrove museum (that's where the floating heads are), the large tower is Glasgow University and the noodles are from our favourite noodle shop on the corner of the station, Chopsticks I think it is?

what's the point.

of life,

of school.

get up, go to school, come home, go to sleep, get up, go to school.

and when you're done with school?

get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, get up, go to work.

and when you retire?

get up, watch tv, go to sleep.

so, my point is, what is the point?

i feel like i'm wasting my life. my short years seem to have amounted to nothing and i feel like they never will.

i'm not clever enough, not pretty enough, too fat, not interesting enough.

jesus.

christ.