bitch (best) friend

you bitch. okay, so I organise things for us to get together this weekend.
great.
I get really excited, only to check my texts in the supermarket and discover you have 'homework' and are really 'tired'. AKA you cba to hang out with your 'best' friends.
theeen I dye my hair, take a picture and put it on facebook. I'm aware that I look a little ropey, having no make up on, and it's evening on the DAY I dyed it, so it's obviously going to be a bit bright.
all you say is:
'um makes u look really young babe xxx'
don't fucking babe me.
you're the one who cancelled. and quite obviously, with newly dyed hair, i'm going to be a bit tentative about it. you don't say, wow it looks gorgeous, or really great even. no.

jesus.

if i cancelled on YOU, or said that to YOU, then you'd be pissed and wouldn't speak to me for a week. but this is me here, so obviously it doesn't matter.

just fuck off.

argh

so wtf like. i'm just so miserable atm.

fuck

i am so fucking fat right now.
i eat fucking cake and shit and i then wonder why i am tubby. i'm 5'2.5 and 105 lbs. I was 102. It was fucking better then. How the fucking fuck did I gain 3 lbs?
I'm going to go eat some more nutella.
healthy eating to the extreme starting tomorrow.

just got to accept it.
i
am
not
beautiful.
never will be. sure, i'm okay looking. just not heart stopping/gut wrenching/breath taking beautiful. which obviously, i'd like to be.
my twin is, imogen. my dad often comments on it, and I am left to awkwardly agree in the background. he doesn't mean it. can't help what he sees.
thing is, she seems to be adamant that she is ugly. and she's obviously not.

well, i suppose one thing I can be is slimmer. I may never be prettier, more beautiful, but i can be slimmer. I always have been so it's something I'm good at. I'm going to be fucking skinny.

I guess I accepted it a while ago, then forgot about it really....

Until yesterday.

All the photos of her were stunning.
My
photos
weren't.

ode to rachael.

rachael.
you
are
boring.
i don't want to talk to you okay? you're a perv. and pretty damn weird.
so stop twisting my sister around to what you think.
so you've been bitching about me, making fun of me because i was off sick with a bad stomach. so now you don't not like me, you're just 'not fond of me'. oh no, apparently, to change your story again, you just don't like it when i leave you out.
i wouldn't leave you out if you weren't so boring. or if i was your actual friend.
so
shut
the
fuck
up.

back from the dead.

so, i've recovered from stomach cramps. after a week, lots of laxatives, painkillers and hot water bottles, two trips to the GP and a couple of hours on the toilet. (probably about four collectively).
i'm back.
still don't know what the hell is going on with my stomach (apart from being podgy. obvs.) but fingers crossed this is the last 'incident' for a while. ever. whatever.

so i've been home from school for a week. it's really boring. i've also eaten one of those 400g nutella pots. by myself. over three days. i'm a fatarse :( i also can't stop eating shit. which is awkward.

but yeah, i'm still farting and burping nicely.

ciao.

so.

still got fucking stomach cramps. but whatever.
I wish:
1) I was less fat
2) I was prettier
3) More people liked me
4) I had a talent
5) I could write better
6) I didn't have to go to school and could laze at home all day doing whatever the hell I wanted.